Vampires Bite the Big One

You can tell a lot about a person by what type of fictional creatures she's interested in. For instance: I like to ask nerds about their favorite superheros. The answer is a sort of window into their psyche. They tend to choose characters who personify the traits they value most in normal humans. (I go with The Goddamn Batman. More on that later.) You can even get a handle on the American hivemind by taking a look at what sort of creepy creatures are featured in tops at the box office and bestseller lists.

Remember back in the day when every single Twilight Zone was about "aliens" and mind-control? I mean I don't remember, but I watch Sci-Fi (and I will NEVER call it "Sy-Fy"). Movies like Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Thing from Another World were everywhere. People were so afraid. Movies was making bank off of mass paranoia. It was the peak of the Red Scare and everyone was suspect. Goddamn Reds, they'd poison your milk just for a lark. Eventually people started to chill out and Twilight Zone was like hold on, guys. Not everyone's a rooskie. It's cool.

So that was then: aliens. I'm pretty sure I could come up with something for the 80's, but I just don't even understand that decade. I imagine everyone was just doing a lot of drugs and watching crazy shit like The Last Unicorn, Labyrinth, Willow, and Legend. People were just trying to get lost in fantasy and they were starting to develop the technology to make that AWESOME dream a reality. I mean look at Tim Curry. Good god.


But the 90's and the Twenty-O's? There was one sexy-ass creature that everybody wanted a piece of. You guessed it: "vampyr," "nosferatu..."



Vampire.

Clearly, I blame Gary Oldman and Francis Ford Coppola. Dracula was an absolute masterpiece. It is simply made of win. They took a camera, dipped it in win, took the film out, got it developed, and released Dracula later that week. It wins. With Keanu attempting a British accent and Anthony Hopkins' Van Helsing jumping around like a lunatic, the film is like 17 out of 10 stars. I'm not kidding.

Then came movies like Underworld, Blade, and from Dusk Till Dawn. These motion pictures churned out vampires into something marketable and with less Keanu-stink. Like trading cards padded with bubblegum, the vampire lost its edge. Over time it went from being sexy to being skanky, slinky to slashy, snarky to...umm salamander. Don't get me wrong, "Blade" rocks. I sometimes call my Macbook "The Daywalker" on account of its bootcamp Windows partition. (I'm a giant nerd.) But, our popcorn/blockbuster fanged friends started to lose the suavity that I found so cool (see Interview with the Vampire.)

I could take this time to further expound on our society's kinky oral obsession with dirty, sexy vampires, but I think I'll just leave it like this. I like True Blood. It's fun. I nearly died when Bill just dug himself out of his own grave and had rough sex with Suki on the spot: in the cemetery, right after her grandmother's funeral. Normal. I don't even think I need to mention the foolish "vampire romance" novels or the trilogy of films with the same name. And, I've seen posters on sides of buses advertising some new show about vampires and their diaries?

What the fuck, people? Being a vampire is about doing whatever the hell you want. It's about getting back at vengeful Turks. It's about biting people for fun and for profit. Vampires don't crush on cute girls. They don't write diaries. And they sure as hell don't sparkle. Also, they never drink...wine. I would know. I'm a man of good...taste. (Ok, I'll stop with the Dracula humor now. But seriously, watch that Coppola jawn. That's what vampires are all about. Keep an eye out for the blue fire and Stretch Armstrong's break-out role as the carriage driver.)