When "It" Simply Will Not Do.

Hey, guys. You are "guys" right? Of course you are, because I use "guys" as a sexually homogeneous collective noun. I use it all the time. I mean, I probably wouldn't use it for a group of really hot girls (that's when I whip out my "Check out that skulk of superfine foxes." type vocabulary. [Animal group names are hilarious and fun to use. Learn them.])

But, quirky words aside, let's be serious: sometimes it's hard to tell just what sort of junk a person has stashed in his?/her? trunk. And I'm not even talking about the Pat-esque amorphous humans you see on the street. These days, there are actually attractive people who make you scratch your head. Ask any 15 year-old girl. They're all dying to get their smooch on with a JoBro or a Beiber (who I am fairly certain is--indeed--a woman.) And it's not just the effeminate boy that turns the tables, there are a few female sex symbols that would make Macho Man Randy Savage seem dainty. Lady Gaga is an intriguing specimen. She's like Tank Girl come to life with sweet pipes. Hot. Suicide Girls have taken the place of the docile bombshell pinup girl with a very scruffy look and a tomboy attitude. Things are getting interesting; that's all I'm saying.

Ok, this isn't anything new. We've all seen Some Like It Hot, Tootsie, and Mrs. Doubtfire. We've listened to Lola and King For A Day. We like blurring the lines and playing dress-up every now and again. It doesn't have to be gay--not that there's anything wrong with that. We've come to terms with these tendencies as a modern, ultra-connected society and now it's only the really weird stuff that offends anyone. So before we completely break down the walls of sexism and gender identification, let's take a look back at a few cartoon characters that always confused the hell out of me.

Samus Aran


Samus is kind of like the impossible daughter of Boba Fett and Mega Man. If that makes any sense...wait, no it doesn't. BECAUSE SHE'S A GIRL. Now you know how millions of kids felt after blasting through wave after wave of deadly alien forces, cold capping Metroids like it was their job. You save the universe and wait for Samus to remove his helmet just so he can take a refreshing swig of cold beer. Guess what? Samus strips down and you get a load of this smoldering sexpot.


What is she going to take a celebratory swig of? Arbor Mist? Fuck that. AUUUUGH. All this time, I've been playing as a girl? But he was so cool. Did you see that armor? I should go shower: I probably have like a stage 4 cootie infection right now!

Alright, calm down. Maybe girls don't have to dress to kill. Maybe they can roll up into little balls and set timed mines and stuff. Well played, Samus, you dangerous, sexy orphan, you.

Link


Voted "Hottest Video Game Character" by the gay/lesbian magazine Out, Link is certainly known as an all-around cutey. Straight, gay, man, woman: you have to admit Link is a sexy beast. I remember playing Ocarina of Time as an impressionable young boy and constantly referring to Link as "Zelda." I'm pretty sure I knew that this was a girl's name and I'm pretty sure I knew that you were supposed to give the hero of Hyrule a name of your choosing (I remember laughing every time I'd hang out with my brother and the great Deku tree would be like "Lumpy, do you accept the quest? You must be brave. Go fight Ganon. Save us, Lumpy.") And I'm pretty sure I knew Link was a boy. But none of that stopped me; it was just second nature to refer to such a confusing character without using "he" or "she." Zelda was the name of the game (quite literally) and it seemed to fit fine.

And, dude. Let's be real. You put Zelda and Link side-by-side, take away her crown and his sword...they're pretty much the same character. He's just a beautiful badass. Nothing wrong with that. Props, you weirdo little elf guy.


Nermal



If Nermal is a boy why does he have such nice eyelashes? And why is he so cute? And peppy? Ok, granted, he is a kitten. But still, it seems much stranger when he can talk (can Garfield talk? It's more like telepathy, right? Whatever.)

All of his tendencies and his overexcited, bubbly personality lead the reader to assume that he is an adorable little girl cat. It probably wouldn't have blown my mind to learn the truth were he not so catty (pardon my idiot pun) about Garfield's age and weight. He's constantly flaunting his rad kitten body and busting Garfield's balls like some 17 year old cheerleader hussy. But yea, maybe my misguided assumption is just a mark of my own sexist beliefs. You've taught us all a valuable lesson, Nermal. Also, would it be gay if I petted you? Ok, cool. Nevermind.

The End.