Itty Bitty Living Space

You know who needs to chill the hell out? Genies. Well, actually wish-granters of all kinds. Fairies, Magic Amulets, Witches, Elves, Wells, Magic Shells, whatever. It's like all they want to do with their limitless power is provide you with a perspective that makes you appreciate your life as it is. They eerily warn you in their breathy, condescending voice that you should "be careful what you wish for." But guess what, it's not a warning. It's a message that they are obsessed with.

Off the top of my head, I can think of like 734 stories about people getting schooled by the old Wish Switcheroo (five times fast. Go.) Homer gets repeatedly screwed by a cursed monkey's paw in Treehouse of Horror II. In the X-Files episode Je Souhaite, Moulder matches wits with a nitpicky genie who fucks people over with cruel irony when their wishes aren't specific enough. In the Buffy episode The Wish, Cordelia confides in a new girl at school--who happens to be an evil granter of vengeful wishes--that she'd rather Buffy had never come to Sunnydale. Through cunning amulet use, the wish is granted, thus destroying the balance of good and evil and plunging Sunnydale into a dark alternate reality where vampires run shit. Plus side: Willow is a vampire in this reality and she totally bites Cordelia. Nice.


See? These jerks never had the slightest intention of making anyone's dreams come true. All they care about is pounding this stupid message into their victims brains. It shows a complete lack of faith on the genie's part. They're all, "You don't even know what sort of power your dealing with, do you? Here, I'll pretend to grant your wish, but really I'll just set you up for disaster so that later you'll realize what a fool you were to tinker with the delicate flow of time and the fragile frame of reality." FUCK YOU. I just want to be able to set things on fire with my mind. It's that simple. Make it happen.

Side note: If I were Johnny Storm, I'd walk around with chocolate bars, marshmallows, and graham crackers all the time (especially in the winter). Whenever I saw a cute group of girls hanging out, I'd walk up and be like, "Excuse me, do you guys like s'mores?" If they say "No" or "What?" or "Please leave, creep." I'd be like, "You're killing me, Smalls." But if they go, "Yea." I'd toss them the ingredients and be all, "Flame on." BEST PICKUP SCENARIO EVER.

Long story short (too late?), be careful if you ever run into a genie, guys. Chances are they just want to teach you a valuable lesson that you'll forget in a month or two. Word things carefully and never forget to say "please" and "thank you." Genies are huge on manners and they'll pull your card for less.